the crashing down is always so much faster than the crawling back up

Story of my life really, I have good days and bad. The bad of course lately outweigh the good. Just seems no matter how good the ups are all they tend to do is serve as a recurring reminder of just how empty and alone I am. I almost hate the good times cause it makes the bads that much worse.. My mind and heart are worn thin from being constantly up one second only to wish for the increasingly tempting urge to just completely withdrawal for good, once and for all. Nothing gold can last

one the verge

had a productive day, got more done than i thought i would. yet here i sit. feeling completely emotionally spend. on the verge on a complete sob fest. I can feel it welling up and ready to explode, I know I will feel better if I just cry and be done with it. yet even as strongly as i feel the need to cry i can't. what is wrong with me 

Quiet Please

I only want some quiet please,
A chance to clear my mind
The thoughts they go so fast I can't keep up.
even so life still goes on..

groceries, bills school..
head spins

tv,
laundry,
feed the dogs
can't think

mop the floor.

do the dishes.
help with homework
can't concentrate

Mommy he hit me.. mommy I need help.
It never ends, it never stops.

I just need some quiet!
Make it stop.

Heart racing, head spinning
thoughts racing

Dinner's burning baby's crying.
who made the mess the living room?

A moments peace is all I ask.
Just a chance to collect my thoughts
to clear my mind.

Kids in bed,
the house a mess


nothing done.
nothing accomplished
another day wasted 

Sleep is quiet
sleep is peace then i can rest,
then I can breathe.

Though with out quiet
sleep won't come
clock ticking
time passing

tomorrow will be a better day
i can get it right i can get it done
the sun comes up a new day is here
yet nothing changed
nothings new

Brain is racing
thoughts so fast
I can't keep up.

"Here With Me"

I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here

And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory

[Chorus:]
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep

I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me

I won't leave
I can't hide

I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me

I don't want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream

And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been

The Doortonowhere

I have been asked in the past what doortonowhere means.

I remember once seeing this photograph of what I believe was a castle in Europe. In one of the towers of this castle was a door. This door didn't look any different than any other door in the castle. It didn't stand out in any particular way. The casual passerby would no doubt, not think twice about it. That is unless you opened it, and that is where you learned the disturbing truth about it. On the other side of the door where one would expect to find any number of rooms, or passages was nothing but a open vast emptiness, with nowhere to go but down to the jagged rocks being whipped mercilessly by the waves hundreds of feet below.

Something about that image just fit. For the first time I could put an actual physical representation to what I had always felt, yet had never once in my life, till that very moment been able to put into words. I felt a sudden connection, and for a slight moment a rare peace, as though finally I had a definition, I was the Doortonowhere.

This is in no doubt going to make writing this interesting to say the least. I really have no idea what to be able to gain from this really. I think my main goal is to finally get out in the only way that I know to put into words what I am, since even I couldn’t tell me who I am.

Who I am

If you were to pose this question to people that know me, you would get a variety of answers.

My family would tell you that I am smart, quiet, sensitive, possibly overly so as I have been told on many occasions, shy, and quite a bit of an introvert.

I have always been the one of the kids that was drawn to spending my time with adults or alone, rather than with other children. I was always able to converse with adults better, and would always being praised for sounding more like a grown up like a gown up than a kid my age.

The few friends that I have been able to make and keep over the years, will tell you that I am sweet, fun, outgoing, flirty, and outgoing A wonderful listener, and natural counselor. The one that perfect strangers feel comfortable enough to open up and tell their life stories and troubles to, with in moments of meeting. They all seem to genuinely love me. I have even had said that I am strong. Sounds perfect right! Someone anyone would love to be around, everyone’s best friend etc. And to the casual observer that is who I am.

So where is the problem right. That is where it gets more complex.

What am I

That is how they see me only because that is what I wanted them to see. I have learned over the years be able to keep it that way by limiting contact with others to small doses. Not that I don't want to be around my friends, and family I do. I love nothing more than interacting with others. Especially if I feel that in some way some how I am making a positive contribution to their life. 

It's just exhausting and stressful for me to keep up prolonged relationships with others. I am always anxious, worried that I am going to say or do something wrong. That they are going to see that I am nothing but a mask, a caricature, a figment. Something carefully planned and crafted.

I am almost never the one to make first contact when I can help it. I am very shy and short of a quick smile I limit interaction with anyone I do not know. Though that doesn't stop others from wanting to talk to me.

When I do meet someone new, and that person actually interests me in some way. I spend time observing them, learning their likes, dislikes, mannerisms, etc and then assimilate my "personality" to match theirs. I can even pick up accents and quirks in a very short time. I think that is why I have always loved theatre, I can immerse myself into a character seamlessly.

Talking!

I love to talk since I was a small child, I can talk all day long, and from what people have told me a million times through the years I have a bad tendency to repeating myself ALOT! I’m really not sure why I do it, and never realize that I am doing it till someone points it out. I think basically my brain just gets to going soo fast at times that I just have to get it out cause just as fast at the thoughts come to me they are gone, and I can’t for the life of me remember them cause my brain is already 10 topics ahead of me. I actually had to learn to slow own cause when I was younger I would get to talking so fast that no one could keep up.

As much as love to talk, I still have the constant nagging thoughts that something I say, or the tone I use is somehow going to hurt someone, or piss them off. I am going to come across wrong, or something, so I find myself either constantly apologizing, filtering or feeling the need to explain myself. Something that takes constant effort, and can be rather stressful and exhausting.

Which is why I think over the years I have started to prefer to talk to others through texting, instant messaging and emails. That way I am less anxious and can take a minute to construct my response. Though I can still get to rambling way too much if I am not careful.

Music..

Music has always been my obsession. My safe place really. I can escape into the right music.

When I was still in school I had piles and piles of spiral notebooks where I would write out the lyrics to songs that I enjoyed. I don’t know why I did it, but I did. The best way I can explain it is music is the only thing I have ever really been able to relate to. I have a hard time expressing myself, and lyrics to certain songs seem to do a better job than I ever could.

This was never so true as when I heard Evanescence’s Everybody’s Fool. I literally broke down crying and was completely inconsolable for quite a while after that. It was the first time I ever heard anyone be able to verbalize what I had been struggling with my entire life. Especially with the line

"Without the mask, where will you hide?

Can't find yourself lost in your lie"

I will get into that more later though.


My list qualities, first and foremost I am a walking contradiction. Something that not even I can define. Some of it is stuff that I am proud of, but this is about being honest with not only myself but everyone.

"manipulating"

I have had this said to before a few times. Never really gave it much thought till recently, and as much as I don't like admitting it,  yes it true. 

why. I'm not realy sure yet. I'm still exploring that one.. only answer I can give you is that cause I can. I like getting my way and that is one of the ways I go about getting it. Something I do so well I don't even notice I am doing it when I am. You can almost say it comes naturally really.

Screwed up thing is in all honestly with me you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If I get what I want from you, then you are obviously not too bright to fall for it, If I don’t, you are a selfish hateful person that wants me to be miserable. I don't do it intentionally mind you .. it just happens.

Makes lots of sense right?

"selfish"

yeah. guilty.. i really can't rationalize why.. I just want what I want and if i don't get it I will make you miserable. two year olds around the world have nothing on me.

"impulsive"

you should see my bank account.. enough said

That and I just have this need for instant gratification. I want something, or someone, I want it NOW and 5 mins from now isn’t good enough. I will literally not be able to focus on anything else till I get what ever it is.. then I have peace for a moment, then time to move on to the next pretty shiny.

"paranoid"

I have been told this, not sure if I am so much as I think it just goes a long with my ability to read people ... I just know when people don't like me, which lends itself to them doing and saying things against me... am I always right.. prolly not but better safe than sorry.

I will say that yes I can tend to take way too much personal, when I probably shouldn't. Sometimes a look is just a look and nothing more. But my brain can’t just let it go, I have to hyper analyze every move, every word, every gesture others make.

"moody"

lol do you really want to go there..

I have tried to put this into words though always seem to come up short of being able to give an honest representation to the roller-coaster.

I try so hard to do everything just perfectly for everyone, and it just never happens.


The void…

Everything I have talked about thus far comes back to this one thing. The driving force behind everything I do, say and feel.


Have you ever been so hungry you feel as though your stomach is going to eat itself? That empty almost bottomless aching. Yet you know once you get something to eat you will feel better.

Well imagine that times a million, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You try everything you can think but nothing makes it go away. Almost seems as the more you try the larger the hole becomes, like a black hole at your core that you have to constantly pull against to keep from being sucked in completely once and for all.

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.